frienships and trusts....

how do you trust a person?
how one knows that this person can be trusted or not?
what determines really friend.. ?
what is a friend?

people are very difficult to trust with.. we all have motives.. we all have our own concerns and we have our own ambitions.. even relatives betray each other.. how much more friends....

it's my current dilemma.. i help people not because they are my friends or i like them.. I help people because they asked for my help... but some people even friends don't sustain "honor" in the advent of adversity.. they break ties, they become ungrateful, they become selfish...
i have always good view in people, i lend my hand easily... i was never deprived so i always felt the need to give back what i could lend... but i have what ifs...?

sometimes, i felt used... am i bad for feeling like that?

whatever is there, i have faith in friends,, sometimes, i don't feel the need to have one.. but i must admit life is a little less lonely with people around...real friends or pseudo ones....

meeting ghosts

- needless to say, i had very few people in my life. I could count them easily. Sometimes, i wonder why I am not like others. I don't like many people and not so many people liked me too... One of my friend bluntly told me, "maybe because you are too obvious of your dislike to them". "Maybe you are too obvious that you don't want them in your life". Maybe that is true...
You see, attachment is an issue for me, i like people but i don't like attachment. I don't like duty-bound relationship. I shun commitment because it makes you unreal. Without commitment, people can move freely...I can move freely. The thought of having someone track you down 24/7 and you reporting to that particular someone like a mafia boss is soooo so annoying for me.
Many people thought of my disbelief in commitment as a sort of disloyalty...or a sort of personality defect in my part.. But you know, the bottom line is, i just fear losing people... And much more, losing many people.... so i keep small number of them.. The smaller their number, the bigger part will be left of me once they decide to leave....
That is selfish analogy, but truth is truth...And that's how i see it.
Some of the people i chose to keep, leave. And i let them. I forget them, no tears no issue. But the trouble is, when these people decide to come back....It shakes me and baffles me where to place these people in my life again. It disturbs me... "what to do?"
Meeting them is like smelling that wilted flower again. Alive yet dead...
I just wish they never left.....i wish they did not come back.....

anomaly of existence

most often we are taught to approach life from a perspective of survival, lack, scarcity and fear... We were taught that life is about destination , and that when we get to point X, be it marriage or college degree or fame or fortune or whatever----> then we will live happily ever after..

But that is not the way life works.
We keep on living life as if it is a dress rehearsal for "when my time comes".For when we really start to live. For when we get the relationship , or accomplishment , or money that will make us okay, that will fix us.

We do not need fixing . We are not broken.

the approach that society taught us is very dysfunctional,and sad way to relate life. We are always empowering ourself with fear which is all about the future and shame which is all about the past. We are not capable of being in the now and enjoying life because we are caught up in trauma about things which have not yet happened- or wallowing in orgies of self-recrimination about the past, which cannot be changed.

We are made to think that we are broken, and so we obsessed our self of trying to fill the hole within.